S06E03 - Brandi
===

Brandi: [00:00:00] Bravery, bravery, courage, vulnerability, learning how to build relationship with people. And that is not something I have ever been taught how to do. I had to go experience it and I fell on my face and ate shit, and that's just what happened because I didn't know what I was doing or how to do it. Right.

And. It. It was really, really complicated and since doing it though, it's really the coolest thing I've ever experienced in my life and it has given me so much freedom, so much inner safety.

Announcer: Is there anyone out there from darkness to Life contains the real stories of individuals who found their way out of the darkness caused by mental health challenges and substance abuse.

If these stories resonate with you and you or someone you love, need help and don't know where to turn our collective jury. Is here for you. Please reach out when you're ready to our collective journey.ca or on [00:01:00] Facebook at our collective journey.

Poncho: Awesome. Well, uh, and welcome, welcome back from, uh, from Darkness to Life.

This is the, uh, the podcast where, uh, real story, spark, real hope and real conversation. And today's guest is someone that you might remember, Brandy. She joined us back in season four, episode 29, and you shared your incredible journey through recovery and well, we wanna get caught up on that, um, because Li life threw you a, a, a curve ball.

Is that, is that fair to say? 

Brandi: Yeah. I mean, that's been the story of my entire life, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. You had a, to 

Poncho: the misfortune events Yeah. You, uh, you had a, you had a little bit of a, of a, of a. But here's the good news. You are back. You are stronger than ever. You are deeply connected, and, uh, now you are advocating for recovery up north.

So, um, yeah, let's, uh, let's, let's get to the conversation. It's gonna be raw, it's gonna be honest, and it's gonna be full of heart. And so let's start with [00:02:00] how are you feeling today, Brandy, compared to the last time that you were part of from Darkness to Life? 

Brandi: Oh my gosh. It's like night and day difference.

Yeah. Um, I remember when I was first coming on the show, I was scripting in my head and I was obsessing over it. And what am I gonna say? How am I gonna do this? And it's such a clear indication of where I am now, because now it's just, I'm, I'm calm as, as a cucumber. Right. You know, hand on heart, say a little prayer.

Remind that little girl inside that she's safe and she loved and I'm good to go. Right? Like my worth isn't attached to stuff anymore. It's really cool. 

Poncho: So, so looking back and after the lapse, so what, what stands out most about where you were then and where you are now? 

Brandi: Oh my goodness. What stands out the most?

I think just the point of my recovery that I was at in general, right? Like, this stuff doesn't happen overnight. I had 38 years of trauma and abuse and [00:03:00] you know, again, misfortunate events and things that have happened, you know, whether by my choice or not, and. You know, I had only had, I think just over a year at that point in recovery.

So, I mean, it's, it's astronomically different now than what it was then. 'cause even another year after that, it's like, you know, how much more practice do I get in the real world now? Right. I was in kind of a, a bubble. Right. I had done a year in, um, recovery centers and then I moved out to Fort McMurray and now I've done a year in real life.

Right. I got outta that bubble. And so it's, it was a lot different navigating it outside of that. Right. 

Poncho: Isn't that the truth? Because, and I mean, going to recovery, going to a a, a recovery recovery center, you're there to get better. You're there to get well, and they, and they, I don't wanna say shield you, but they help protect you from a lot of the outside influences because when you do hit the outside, I, I mean, there's nobody there to, to hold your hand anymore.

Is there? 

Brandi: Ah, [00:04:00] yeah, no, there definitely isn't. And having to build those safe, supportive relationships on my own when I've never been taught how to do that, I had no idea what to do, and I had kind of a crash course. Yeah. You know, in the recovery centers, and then it was like, Hey. Good luck. And so I, I was barely, you know, learning to crawl and, and I had to get out and run on my own.

And so it makes sense that there was some, you know, lumps and bumps and, you know, turns and, and recalibrations along the way. 

Poncho: Was, was there a specific trigger for your laps? Or would. Oh. Or, or, or, yeah. Several based on your o reaction. Yeah. And which, yes, because it's usually just not one thing. It's usually a buildup of, of several things, isn't it?

Brandi: No, absolutely. I definitely relapsed before I relapsed. I understand that at a completely different level now. Um, I, the behaviors, right? Like I have a mentor that always says, you have a drunken horse thief. You take away the booze, you still have a [00:05:00] horse, thi. Meaning we still have the PA or the patterns and the behaviors even without the dope.

And so, you know, those patterns of behaviors started coming back long before the drug use came back. And so in hindsight, I mean, hindsight is 2020. Yeah. And you look, I look back and I'm like, I wasn't, I had no idea how to use discernment. Right. My new favorite word is I don't want your recovery. And I'm learning to be judgmental Is.

Silly as that sounds or as you know, as much as people are like God and they shy away from it, how are you? How do you learn to make a boundary if you're not using your discernment, your judgment? And I had no clue how to do that. I was just delusional and thought everything is hunky dory and everything is fine.

And I was so black and white that I'm like, everybody can have everything of me and you can be right here in my circle. Yeah. And I surrounded myself with people that were practicing things that I was no longer practicing, unfortunately. And they're beautiful people, and I wish them the best. And there's nothing wrong with what they're doing.

Um, [00:06:00] it just wasn't for me. Right? And not everybody's for everybody. And, and fortunately, I hustled to belong and I started relapsing those behaviors, right? I started doing things that I, I had really learned not to do and really specific things. Then all of a sudden it is snowballed and I'm feeling not I'm out with someone that I was dating at the time and I'm feeling not good enough, and all of a sudden that's it.

I'm like, I'm gonna have a drink. 

Poncho: And that's all it. That's all it. And that's all it takes. 

Brandi: That's all it takes. That's all it takes. I always say I am like, the minute that I always think it's a good idea to have a drink, and the minute that I have a drink, it turns to drugs and everyone else's husbands like literally.

Yeah. Like this is, this is the story of Yeah. My life. 

Poncho: Right. And so because, because we think we, we like to think that we have our lives under control and we like to think that we can control this. And it turns out in everybody, there's very little about our lives that we can control. 

Brandi: Isn't that beautiful though, once you figure that out?

Yeah. That part, like, it's so [00:07:00] freeing. Yeah. To not try to control the things that are outside of your control when you really, really start to embrace that and figure it out. That's where a lot of my peace and serenity comes from 

Poncho: today. Did, did you have to purge anybody in your life during your, your lapse?

WW Was that a part of it? Some of the outside influences of on, on your personal, on your personal life? 

Brandi: So I think it's more just how I navigate those relationships. Yeah. So a lot of the people that I was around are either in recovery or they're pretty prestigious within the community, and so you automatically think like this is a safe situation and sometimes.

It's still not right. They're still practicing things that I'm no longer practicing, right? Like I had practiced for a very long time, not to, you know, I would, I would try and wear makeup and do the hair, and do the nails, and do the lashes and do the things and buy the cars and have this, and have that so that I could feel better about myself.

And that is. [00:08:00] Part of my addiction, right? All of those outside things to feel better and fill that big void inside myself of I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not worthwhile. And so I started surrounding myself with people that are very much so, you know, into those things. And so I started to do those things again and it was little things like that that started to really snowball.

So I haven't purged them from my life. They just have a different position in my life. Right. It's not so black and white because I try not to live in that distorted perception anymore. 

Poncho: Yeah. Well, I mean, and as much as we want to, you know, say that life is black and white, because it would make things easier in terms of what we can do.

What we can do. The world doesn't work that way. I mean, there's no black and white in the world. It's all different shades of not even grays. It's all different shades of all different kinds of colors, isn't it? Uh, so, so let me ask you this. What, how, how did you pull yourself back from that then? How do you get yourself back to reconnect?

To to recovery. 

Brandi: Recovery. Well, I [00:09:00] remember it was about, it was about a six weeks, six week, um, relapse. And so, give or take, I wasn't exactly counting days during it, but I woke up one morning and I was like, I'm done. I'm done. And this is over. And I told the people that were around, and at that point in time I said, you need to leave.

Like I'm done. And I just was, and it was hell. The cravings. I've never had cravings like that before, coming off of it. And it was wild. It was absolute hell. And then it was humility. It was finding that humility and being able to go back in and say, you know, I need help and this is it. I'll never forget the moment that I actually stepped out with one of my mentors and I wrote her this big, long text and this is such a pivotal moment for me, and I was like just messy.

I didn't look at it again. I just wrote her this huge text. And I was like, incoming. And I was like talking about this big emptiness that I felt in this deep, deep loneliness, and I just couldn't [00:10:00] shake it or get rid of it, and it was physically hurt in my body. And she says, my girl, you just described the dis-ease.

The dis-ease of addiction. Like that's what it is, is filling that void. And that was it that sparked inside of me. And I went, oh. That's it. I have, it's like putting a face to it. I'm like, I know what this is now. Yeah. Right. I can, I can look at this differently. 

Poncho: You, you know, you mentioned humility, and humility plays a big part in, in, in my world, and, you know.

Mm-hmm. I, I think a lot of people don't understand the power of humility, and a lot of people see it as, as a bad thing, but it's not. I mean, to accept humility, to, to be humbled, you know? Mm-hmm. Right. I mean, that takes, that takes courage. You know, you know, and, and so when you had the courage to tell people in your world, like, I, I gotta get away, you gotta get away from me.

I need to rearrange my priorities. How was their reaction? 

Brandi: He said, okay. [00:11:00] And he was like, see you later. There was no more dope left and no more money left. So I mean, at that ouch point it's like it's pretty easy to do. Um, and so ouch. Uh, yeah, unfortunately, and he was another person in recovery that had relapsed prior to me and I knew that he had, and I had reached out to him and that's how I connected with him.

Um, and it's really unfortunate 'cause he was such like a cool part of the recovery community, but. It's just the name of the game, right? Sometimes it doesn't hurt bad enough for us to do the work that's necessary in order to actually recover, but frick, is it worth it? 

Poncho: Yeah. Were, were you, were you angry with yourself?

Were you disappointed with yourself, or were you like, dammit, I'm, I'm gonna do it this time? Were, were you, were you motivated more than ever before, or All of the above were something completely different? 

Brandi: All of the above. Yeah, all of the above. And I just knew that I had to get through. I knew that I had to get through this, [00:12:00] like hump this hard, hard, hard part, and it was gonna get better and better and better and better and better and better as I went.

And I just knew that this is like do or die. I, I mean, I. I don't go out the same way as I used to go out. I mean, when I was a weekend warrior, I could do, you know, go out for a Friday and be good to go on a Sunday. It's not like that anymore. I go right back to where I was downtown Fort McMurray, slanging Dope on the street.

Yeah. Like that's, that's immediately where I go. My rent's not paid. I'm immediately, like I was weeks away from being kicked out of my house again and losing everything and being on the streets again. Like that's where I go when I pick up. Yeah, immediately. Yeah. Right. And so it's life or death at that point.

Like, am I gonna choose to live or am I gonna choose to die? What am I gonna do? I'm gonna do it. 

Poncho: Yep. And, you know, and, and, and you think the choice is easy, but if you've ever been there, it's not. It's not. If, if it, if it was all of us would be, you know, living the perfect life, wouldn't we? Yeah. Yeah. So, [00:13:00] so, so this time around, what role did your support recovery provide for you?

Brandi: Oh my goodness. Once I got vulnerable and I found the humility and I wasn't going 'cause pre the relapse, I had the same supports, but I was going to them like with, you know, some of my, my work or some of my stuff or the questions or whatever I had, and I was like, look, I got it all figured out. Look at what I did.

Validate me. Validate me, right? Make me feel better. This time I came at it differently. I came from a different place because it scared me bad enough. It hurt bad enough that I was like, this is, this is scary. Like this is gonna go somewhere really bad and I'm gonna be right back where I was, you know, two years ago when I first got into recovery.

And it's. It's not gonna take long. Um, so my supports were there. They were wonderful with me. Yeah. Um, and they checked in periodically during the relapse as well. Um, and that was part of what kept me going is that I knew that they were still there and that was actually a huge, predominant part that allowed me [00:14:00] to like, sit in that deep, deep, deep.

Discomfort and like physical pain. The feelings are painful when they start, when you start feeling 'em in your body again. It's wild. It's the most horrendous thing ever. Um, and but they were there. They were there. The, the, the support system was there. So, 

Poncho: and was, was recovery. Did your, your perspective, I guess, of recovery change from now since your lapse.

Was it even more difficult? 

Brandi: Yeah, no, uh, recovery became, I think my eyes got really open. I would never recommend having a relapse as a way to like, you know, get that slap in the head that you need to get back on track. Like you, it's not necessary, but unfortunately it's what happened in my situation. Um, and yeah, like it, um, yeah, I don't really know how to answer that honestly.

I'm trying to think. 

Poncho: Yeah. Uh, what, so what, so, [00:15:00] so what's different about your approach than today compared to before? Or, or, or was it the same approach? 

Brandi: Yeah, I would say that it's the same approach with added skills and abilities. Um, 'cause I don't think I, I mean, I didn't lose anything. I didn't, I changed things, but I just really added things into it.

Right. Added more things into the mix of it. And I mean, here in Fort McMurray, there's not a lot of options for recovery past. It's a lot of, um, 12 step programs. And that's really what they have to offer up here. There's no recovery coaching. There's. To know, you know, there's no, um, smart recovery. There's, you know, one little treatment center, a detox center, and it's really, um, based on 12 step program.

So I really had to embrace that and I had to really start looking at what the 12 steps really meant to me. Um, so I do na, the n na, for I work in NA program predominantly. And, um. That changed, that really changed my life, right? When you really start looking at what the program is, [00:16:00] um, it's perfect. It's really perfect.

Imperfect people. Perfect program. Yeah. And so when they started talking about in step one, when they start showing you, and then you start identifying the obsession, the compulsion, and the denial, right? I'm like, well, I can obsess over anything. My mind will go right. People, places and things, it'll obsess over everything.

I'll compo, I'll compulsively act on that obsession, left, right, and center. Like it doesn't matter. And then the denial, like what I tell myself as to why I'm doing it, right? Yeah. And I'm literally lying to myself. I can make up stories and lie to myself better than anybody, right? And tell myself that make up excuses to why I'm doing something.

And so that really gave me some tools to be like. This is obsession. This is the compulsion I'm gonna act on, and this is the story that I'm telling myself to make it. Okay. And, and then you think about the, the honesty, the hum, the honesty. Um, I. The honesty, the what are the principles for his first step one?

Sorry, I'm [00:17:00] trying to think. No, no. Yeah, that's 

Poncho: fine. I know I'm throwing a lot of heavy questions at you. Yeah, 

Brandi: yeah, yeah. It's great though. It's good. It's good. It's making me so hot. It's all good. I'm just kidding. Um, well, well let, 

Poncho: let me ask you this. So, so you are advocating for recovery up up north. Yeah.

And so what, what does that look like on a, on a, on a day to day? Basis for 

Brandi: you basis to do advocation for recovery? I think it's leading by example is the biggest thing, right? Is lead by example. Yeah. Um, and the way that I show up, right, like my left hand will never know what my right hand is doing, meaning, yeah, I will always give effortlessly.

I will give without expectation. I will give wholeheartedly. I will give unconditionally my time. You know, my energy, my mentorship, my words, my wisdom, whatever it is, um, without the expectation that I want something in return. Right? And I think that that is leading by example, right? And always showing up within those principles, right?

Always showing up [00:18:00] within, I mean, we call it God's will, but really what happens when I, when I wrote out the list of what my God's will look like, my mentor told me, you know, change the. Top of it to when I'm acting in accordance with this, I'm living in God's will and it ended up being a list of my own values.

Poncho: Did that surprise you? 

Brandi: Uh, I kind of knew where she was going with it because I'd done a values project, right. And when I was in one of the recovery centers, so I kind of understood free. And so, yeah, like when I was on from Darkness to Life before, I'd laid this really cool foundation in, you know, psychology and trauma work and trauma-informed and trauma-based recovery.

But I hadn't really stepped out into a program that I could use in my daily life. Right. And these skills and abilities, and that's really what the 12 Step program is giving me now. But like, do it all. Do everything. 

Poncho: Let, let me ask you this, you made the choice, you made the choice to stay in in, in Fort McMurray.

Yeah. A lot of people [00:19:00] would go, okay, here's my problems. I gotta get out. I'm gone. Yeah, yeah. That. Almost never solves anything because your problems. Yeah, your problems just follow, follow you along. Um, yeah, I spent some time in Fort McMurray, uh, back in the, uh, back in the late nineties. Okay. And I was part of that CD wild scene and mm-hmm.

It, I I, I don't know if, if, if the, um, the attitude of the city has since calmed down, toned down, but back then, I mean, it was the Wild West. I, I could not, yeah. I could not imagine being in recovery back then, or, or, or, or even now in, in, in that city. I, I don't know anybody that could do what you do. I, I mean, and so what you are accomplishing is nothing short of miraculous.

Brandi: Yeah. Yeah. To go back to the beginning of what you were saying, I just wanna touch on this, you know, leaving, because our, our problems are, you know, we think our problems are in a certain city and stuff as such, like. I, I used to think that way, right? And I'm like, that's [00:20:00] such monkey business. 'cause I am the problem.

I am my, what's going on inside of me? Those triggers and the trauma that I face, and all the thorns that get pushed all over the place and trigger me. That is the problem. It's gonna follow me because everywhere I go, there I am. Yeah. And so that was never a thought in my mind. And that comes from that foundation that I laid in, you know, the trauma works that I'd done in the recovery, all the recovery centers in that first year.

Um, Fort McMurray has a beautiful recovery community. It really, really is how the beautiful recovery community. Yeah. Um, and it is really quite. Refocus now. However, jumping into the other side of that, it didn't take me long to find every Tom, Dick and Harry that knew who, you know, who was who in the zoo, and really start laying out a complete trajectory, different trajectory for my life.

So that side of Fort McMurray is still very, very active. 

Poncho: Yeah. 

Brandi: Um. And I had the opportunity to see it, I guess the opportunity [00:21:00] right. To, to see that side of it. And it gave me the ability to really understand, like, you know, we see what we wanna see, right? And we surround ourselves with who we surround ourselves.

And that's really what that, that is, is that, you know, I stayed in that bubble of recovery and then I made a different choice to step out and I really found out what was going on. Right. Right. Out there. 

Poncho: Right. And, and I, I find. It's, it's, it's a lot more difficult to be in those circles or to not be in those circles, especially in smaller cities like Fort McMurray, which, you know, it's, mm-hmm.

It's not, I mean, it's a city, but it's, but it's, it's not a a, a big city, so No. What's, so that said, what, what's the biggest challenge bringing recovery resource resources to remote, remote northern communities like Fort McMurray? 

Brandi: I think that Fort McMurry, like any time I had mentioned, 'cause I did recovery coaching through orcas.

Um, when I was in Calgary, still thinking that it would be, you know, easy enough to find a recovery coaching [00:22:00] position or something within the, the, the community here, and nobody had even heard of a recovery coach. Few and far between had even heard of what a recovery coach was. Let alone looked at what the, like the actual credentials offer and, and how that can be a resource to bridge that gap between, you know, going to FMRC, Fort McMurry Recovery Center and or coming back from Simon House or coming.

And a lot of people are going to Calgary. They're going to Simon House, they're going to Fresh Start, they're going to Aveta, they're going to, for a recovery center in Lloyd Minister, they're going to these. They're outsourcing these recovery centers and then they're coming back here and there's nothing to bridge that gap for us to be able to connect to the recovery community here.

So, so there's nothing, 

Poncho: so, so what, so what do you tell people up there that are in recovery, that want to recovery, that want to, uh, to, to continue that path? How do you continue to, to motivate them?

Brandi: I don't know if I really have an answer for that. I think, yeah, motivation it comes [00:23:00] from, really comes from people's within, right? Yeah. Like where they're at in their recovery. And that resiliency is a really important part. But without those safe, supportive people and without that foundation, Fort McMurray, like that's gonna look different for everybody if they don't already have.

The safe, supportive people in Fort McMurray. Well, now you have to build that. Yeah. Like I had to build that. I came up here, you know, with, I had the best plan laid out to, to rock and roll and my handoffs. Yeah. And, um, you know, I got a. Therapist, you know, in Calgary, I'm handing off to a new therapist here.

They're gonna overlap. Nice. I had my recovery coach with OCJ still, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna come out here and, you know, I'll get a sponsor, I'll, I'll deal with that and it's okay and it's gonna be fine. And it was not. Once those safe, supportive, you know, people went away. I was really left kind of standing there trying to build this foundation or rebuild what was built on my foundation without, I was doing it blind.

There's [00:24:00] nothing here to do that unless you know how to do that and you go out and learn how to do that, which I've really had to do. And that was a huge part of the relapse. 

Poncho: Yeah. Huge part of it. Yeah. I was gonna say, how do you even start down the path to something like that to rebuild when there's no template in place?

Brandi: Bravery, bravery, courage, vulnerability, learning how to build relationship with people. And that is not something I have ever been taught how to do. I had to go experience it and I fell on my face and ate shit, and that's just what happened because I didn't know what I was doing or how to do it. Right.

And it. It was really, really complicated, and since doing it though, it's really the coolest thing I've ever experienced in my life, and it has given me so much freedom. Right. So much inner safety. Yeah. 

Poncho: I don't know if, I don't know if you were aware of it, but, but when you were, you were talking about the strength that you [00:25:00] found and the vulnerability that you found, you smiled and, and your face Mm.

Lit up and Yeah, it was, it was, you know, really wonderful to see. And I think that expression just, you know, exuded all kinds of emotions right there. Something else I, I wanted to ask you how, so how, how did, how do you have of being seen as a role model? While still maintaining the fact that you're a human, that, that you still have human emotion, that you're gonna have good days that, that you're, that you're, you're still gonna have bad days.

Brandi: You know what, I don't know if I even look at myself like a role model anymore. I think when that was part of the humility that I had to find when I fell off. And to come back and come from a place where, you know, I, you know, or even coming from Calgary to Fort McMurray where I was doing a lot of mentorship, I was a bit of a role model.

You know, I did see myself in a, in those positions, and then coming here and then having the relapse, it's like, [00:26:00] well, no, maybe we were just all fucking human. Yeah. Right. And we're all okay and just 'cause I have this clean time or you have this clean time or I have this clean time now. Right. It doesn't make me more than or less than.

Than Right. I am just an addict. I'm just as much an addict today and tomorrow as I was yesterday or the day before. And so are you. And that's what's gonna connect us, right? Is that human to human level, not, you know. Yeah. And I think that that's really important. So I don't, I don't know if I look at it that way.

Poncho: Yeah. Anyway. And maybe that's, maybe that's one of the reasons of, of why people connect and relate with you is as well as they do you, they see you as well as one of them because you are, we all are, you know, uh, you said something once, an addict, um, always an addict. And I know that firsthand and, and there's, I don't know if, I don't know if a lot of people would admit to that, but I think there's a lot of truth to that, isn't there?

Brandi: I think, you know, there's different levels to this [00:27:00] devil, right? Yeah. And it, yeah, there's a lot of things about me that, you know, uh, patterns that I follow and I fall into those patterns because of my trauma and how I try to fill that void in my day-to-day life. But once I'm given the skills and abilities, the tools and the support.

And the connections to be able to check in and be like, this is weird. This isn't working. Why is this going on? Why am I obsessing over this? What's happening? And be able to bounce it off people that I trust and can be vulnerable with. Then I'm able to go, okay, this is just a pattern. And then once you see the pattern, right, we make a decision at that point, we're either gonna do it or not.

Right? Once you see it, you can't unsee a pattern. You're either making a decision to stay the same or you're making a decision to change. I. Predominantly me once I see it. I try my hardest to not play into that anymore. And I've seen astronomical change. Like I come with bells and whistles. I'm not just an addict.

I [00:28:00] have severe, a severe diagnosed, severe borderline personality disorder that I'm seeing completely arrested from all the works that I've done along with addictions, and I'm completely unmedicated at this point as well. And so I, I've never in my life experienced. Life 

Poncho: until now. Do you think that you wouldn't be able to appreciate life today had you not gone through what you've been through?

And when I say that, I mean the lows of your life. 

Brandi: Yeah. Wow. Yes. Not that I wish it on anybody, but I am very grateful and I mean that, I really, really mean that I'm very grateful to have access to the things that I have access to, to heal the things that I needed to heal. 

Poncho: Yeah. 

Brandi: Right. I think that if they hadn't hurt.

Bad enough, and it hadn't have drug me through the mud as much as it did. I don't think that I would do the necessary work. When I see the change to be able to make that change, I don't think I would be able to look back and be like, you know what? It wasn't that bad. I'm [00:29:00] good. Right? Because it's hard. My brain doesn't wanna change.

It doesn't wanna be nice to someone when they're mean to me. It doesn't when they're doing me dirty, I don't wanna be. You know, comment them with, with principles and with my values and be like, you know what? It's okay. Like I see this and I value you, and you do what you need to do. Right? And, and to be able to come at it at that, that way, and I just, I don't think it would've hurt bad enough.

I think it was necessary, like absolutely necessary, and to be able to. Start to see the freedom that I have now, and it's just gonna get better. Like this just gets better. 

Poncho: Yeah. There's that smile, there's that, there's that smile. There's that glow again. 

Brandi: Yeah. It's joy. This is joy. Poncho. Poncho. This is joy.

This is not situational happiness. Yeah. Yeah. This is not, you know, substance happiness. I'm not getting this from shopping or screwing or gambling or drugs or anything, or dope. You, you, I'm just joyous. Yeah. 

Poncho: You, you know, and earlier in our, in our [00:30:00] conversation, you mentioned things and how so many of us think that things are going to put all of the wrongs in our world, right?

Yeah. And, and yes, things have nothing to do with it, do they? 

Brandi: Things have absolutely nothing to do with it. A little backstory, I spent my entire life. My whole life up until, um, I fell into, um, like do or die addiction, I call it do or die addiction. I was always an addict, but I fell into like oblivion where I was using to die and I flatlined my life.

But I finally got to a point in my life at that point where I had a Maserati, I had a Mercedes, I had a Harley, I had a Darm Max. I had a 3,900 square foot house on an acreage. I had the dogs, I had the husband in a suit. I had a great career. You had it all. I had the kids, I had it all. And I had never been so miserable in my entire life and wanted to die more because I'd reached that point where I sat there in my, in, you know, my huge en [00:31:00] suite bedroom is bigger than my townhouse now.

And I was like, okay, where's this feeling? I don't feel any better. And no one cares. 

Poncho: Yeah, 

Brandi: nobody cares. About how well I'm doing. Right. And the thing is now, and I said this, you know, last night, you know, in a meeting, I said, no one will never know how good I'm doing based on what I drive. 

Poncho: Yeah. 

Brandi: Just like no one will ever know how bad I was doing based on what I was driving.

Yeah. 

Poncho: Yeah. Let me ask you this, Brandy, as, as, as we talk about things and, and you know, the, the stereotypical North American perfect world. Mm-hmm. Is living a and there's no right or wrong answer to this is, is living, is, is living a simpler life, healthier, better in terms of not having as many things, not having the things.

Brandi: I think for me, and I can answer this for me and I know what's right or wrong for me, um, I need to work [00:32:00] my way up to, in bringing in things in small doses and making sure that everything that I bring into my life is because I value it, because I want it, because it makes me feel good, not because I need someone else to think or feel.

Or do or be a certain way about me. 

Poncho: Yeah. 

Brandi: Right. Whether I'm putting on makeup, whether I'm thrown on a blazer, whether, you know, I'm going out with sweatpants and a ball cap and no makeup on. Like I went to get these air pods this morning running around like a crazy lady in my PJ's and they probably thought I was gonna steal 'em.

And I was like, I'm cool. Like I'm cool with that today. And like. I just have to do it slow paced because I, I do have a tendency to try and get all the things and then be like, okay, am I enough now? Do you love me now? Am I, am I good enough now? Right? And so I just do it slowly and make sure before I do it.

I try to make sure before I do it, like, don't kid yourself. I get on Temu, I have issues like, like 

Poncho: yeah. But I just [00:33:00] do it slowly. You and, and, and you mentioned loving yourself and that's a lot, uh, easier said than done. Done too. Mm-hmm. Isn't? Mm-hmm. 

Brandi: It is. But I mean, once I realized, once I realized that, um.

You know, when I see it, when I see something in someone else, um, that I don't necessarily like, it's usually a reflection back to me. Like people are always mirroring back to me how I feel about myself. And so I'm able to pinpoint what it is that's going on inside of me based on my reaction and my thought process about other people.

And I've used that for a very long, that tactic for a very long time. And I realized that, you know, back when I was still at the dual diagnosis clinic. Foothills where like if I really am like triggered by something in someone else, it's because I have shame about that in myself. I don't love that stuff about myself yet.

I don't accept that about myself yet. I'm not okay with that about myself yet. And. Truth be told, finding empathy for the other person. I've really been able to find empathy for myself when doing it right. And [00:34:00] so I know where it's coming from and where I can kind of, you know, pinpoint where I'm at. Yeah.

In that loving yourself. 

Poncho: Yeah. Point, right? And, and, and, you know, and, and, and I've said this, uh, to several people over many conversations, and you know, and again, people think that this is being selfish or greedy, and, and I think it's being selfless, is that if you wanna, if you wanna live, if you wanna love.

That, those you care about. Before you can do that, you, you need to put yourself first. You have to, you have to love yourself first, otherwise, yeah. You know, it's just 

Brandi: otherwise. 

Poncho: Yeah. Well, we know what happens, right? 

Brandi: We know what happens. I know what I do when I, you know, I could love anybody and you know, love them.

You know, I'll give you this, whether it's my body, my money, my time, my energy. Yeah, it doesn't matter. I can show you love through all these things with gifts and do all the things, but my expectation is that you do an act and be a certain way so that I can feel about me. It's not. It's not unconditionally [00:35:00] loving.

Right. I can't give it to you without condition 'cause I'm putting conditions on it without you even knowing it. 'cause I have an expectation that you give me something back 'cause I need you to do it so I feel better about me. 

Announcer: Yeah. 

Brandi: Right. And so yeah, when you have it for yourself, you can unconditionally give it away.

And I really get to experience that. It's not just the saying anymore, when your cup is so overflowing. Yeah, overflowing. That you have enough to give it away. 

Poncho: And today. I do. Yeah. And nobody can take that from you. Nobody can steal that from you. 

Brandi: Isn't that the best part? 

Poncho: It is. It is yours to give or not give as as you see fit.

Brandi: Yes. Amen. Absolutely. You know, that is such a cool saying. Yes. And that's something that I'm living in and learning right now. Is that like safety, right? Like I decide. I decide what I do. I decide how much of what and when and where and how I give it. And even if I do have extra, I don't have to give it to you, but when I do know it's coming unconditionally, 

Poncho: [00:36:00] I can feel the passion in your voice.

I can see it in your face. I mean, we might be how many hundreds of kilometers away from each other, but I am getting that energy through the the screen. Yes. How, how important is trust? To you. Trust used 

Brandi: to be such a, oh, go ahead. 

Poncho: That's a finicky one, isn't it? 

Brandi: Yeah, that's a finicky one. 'cause it used to be so black and white for me.

Right. Either I trust you or I don't. Yeah. Right. And now I'm learning as I'm learning to build relationships that trust is, can be in different doses, right? Like, I trust you with X, Y, and Z and I trust you with A, B, and C, and I trust you just with C and I trust you just with a And that's cool. Yeah, because all my relationships aren't here.

Or here anymore, they're in here somewhere and they're in there and they're flexible, and my boundaries are flexible now, and because I have and I, or because I'm building so much more inner safety, I have the capability to be [00:37:00] vulnerable and be willing to get hurt because it doesn't necessarily mean my worth anymore.

It doesn't mean that I'm not lovable or I'm not enough. Right. Anymore. It's starting to do that. Yeah. For me it's starting to work 

Poncho: and, and, and, and you really need to be vulnerable before you can love yourself, and I think you really need to be mm-hmm. Vulnerable before you can trust yourself again. So, yeah.

For, you know, for someone listening in watching this, you know, and, and maybe they're having a really dark time, a really, a really dark moment, what, what would you say to them would, would you say find vulnerability first? Would you say find humility first? Would you say find something else first? 

Brandi: Don't give up before the miracle happens, like 110%.

Just don't give up before the miracle happens. Whatever they're facing, it's gonna take a different antidote. Right. And I can't say what each person is facing in their time of darkness or what area they're in, of their, their point in recovery. And so it's gonna take different, you know, different parts and different [00:38:00] pieces and different layers to be able to, to work on whatever it is they're working on.

But there is more layers. Like this is never ending, and you really do learn to enjoy the ride. Right. You really do. So don't, don't give up 

Poncho: before the miracle happens. Before the miracle. Before the miracle happens. Yeah. Just don't give up, you know, because I, I mean, the next day, the next hour, the next minute can bring you something that you've been working forward towards your entire life and, and you, and you're not gonna know it until it happens.

You know? Yeah, right. Like I just, you know, that, that, the, that all that analogy of, of, you know, you're a gold miner and you got the, the pickax and you've been picking your entire life and you just, and you get tired. You're like, I'm never gonna find the gold mine. And you stop. Yeah. And, you know, you're, you're that close to you striking it richer in this case, you know, self love and, and honesty.

Brandi: Yeah, I think the only other thing that I would ever say is have patience. You know, as [00:39:00] addicts, we want what we want, we want it right now, we want that instant gratification. And our brains are actually wired to want it immediately. 'cause we immediately wanna feel better. Yeah. Right. And so it's like we want what we want have patients, just have patients like looking back, you know, two and a half years into my recovery and a relapse, um, it's like.

I never would've guessed. That I could be where I never thought I'd ever understood how other moms and other people had all this space and all this time and all this energy and could do all these things and just be happy to doing it. I was like, what is wrong with me? Well, I had a lot of trauma, I had a lot of things going on.

There's nothing actually wrong with me. There's just things going wrong inside of me and things that I needed that were my responsibility that I needed to address. Mm-hmm. They really weren't my fault and that was the hardest part of facing 

Poncho: what's some. What's the most surprising gift that recovery has given you this time around?

Oh my goodness. [00:40:00] Peace, 

Brandi: freedom. I have so much space like, and I don't mean space like in my house or my car, like, I mean, I have space, so like, I'll give you an example. Um, I can give you a million examples actually. Like, you know, things can be chaotic and crazy and happening, but they don't feel chaotic and crazy and happening anymore.

I'm just like, okay, this is what we're doing right now. All right. And I have space, like even with the podcast this morning, I had a last minute run out. Go find AirPods. They didn't have 'em here. They didn't have 'em there. This wasn't open. All this was going on. I was, I was cool as a cucumber and I was like, this is so weird.

Like, usually I'd be at home, can't move, can't go anywhere, panicking, doing whatever. No space. You know, rehearsing in my head, having a meltdown. Oh my God, I don't have AirPods. I would've been a mess. I would've had anxiety. I would've been restless, irritable, and discontent. Literally. Right. And I'm just not today.

I don't have to be, I don't, I get to not be that way today. [00:41:00] It's so cool. Like, yes, and it just gets better. Like, this is only a minute, you know, a blip on the rest of my life. Like, how blessed am I? 

Poncho: Yeah. Yeah. It, it, it sounds, and it, it sounds like being grounded is incredibly important to live in a road to recovery too.

Doesn. 

Brandi: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I think we get to be grounded right? When we get to kind of start to experience that freedom. Yeah. Right. What life really is supposed to be like before the world fucked us up. 

Poncho: Yeah. Right. You know, and, and that, and that's, you know, and that, and that's what I struggle with it, you know, my, you know, my, my demons, my addictions, I find.

The moment that my feet start to leave the ground, not in a good way, but when I'm not grounded, that's when I find that I don't have space for myself anymore. That's when I find that I, you know, I'm not loving myself anymore. And so, mm-hmm. [00:42:00] Do you, and again, I mean, there's, there's no rule book because we are all individuals and we all think differently and we all operate differently.

Do you, do you have a mantra that you start your day with? 

Brandi: I don't have a mantra. I have a podcast that I listen to most mornings. Good. Um, what is it? Yeah, I have a podcast. It's Steven Fur, it's Pastor Steven Fur. He is phenomenal. He is a huge part of my spirituality. And spirituality I've found has been, um.

It is really been creating that foundation That is what I wanna start my, my day with every single day, right? Is living in those values and living who I was immediately mean to be, or I was how I was made to be. Right? Yeah. That's the idea is getting back to my. Self, like who I was made to be because I wasn't made and born defective.

I don't believe I was born an addict. Yeah, right. I developed these, these things growing up and you know, the first [00:43:00] half of my life I learned all these things. In the next half I'm gonna unlearn it all. Right. So that's it. Yeah. I have a, a podcast that I listen to. I have multiple mentors that I usually talk to every morning, at least one of 'em.

Um, and do a check-in and, and like, these are people that, like I say, this is about how I use discernment. I want their recovery. Right? Yeah. I want what they have. Yeah. 

Poncho: Yeah. And you're there and, and you're getting there, right? 

Brandi: Yes. Yes. Every day 

Poncho: you're happy today. 

Brandi: More than happy. Happy is situational. Like I am joyous.

Yeah. I am just. And shit like life is life thing. Like don't kid yourself. Like I have boxes blocking off my door over here so my kids don't come in here and you know, like I got things going on. The one's trying to go through the door and she's texting me the whole time. Like I got things going on. Like life is lifeing, right?

I just got turned down for a job I really wanted yesterday. Like shit's going. Shit's happening. Yeah. Right. Like, I'm not [00:44:00] just oblivious to life and living in this like, daddy, daddy, da, but I'm okay because my worth is not attached to this shit today. 

Poncho: Yeah. And when, and you know, and, and there is truth that when one door closes another door that will open there.

I really, really, I genuinely believe that. And, and, and I, I do believe in, in manifesting the universe, you know that you will get out of life what you want, even if you don't realize that you're putting that energy out there. Yeah. 

Brandi: Yeah. I think your outside will start to reflect your inside, right? And it just starts happening and I'm watching it happen in my life, and I've never been left.

Without, not ever. I've never, I've never been left without, right. Unless I was, as long as I was walking, doing the next right thing. Yeah. Right. If I'm doing, like, there's, there's times that there's, you know, been less. It's either a lesson or it's a miracle. Like always. There's always something. 

Poncho: Well, and it, it all depends on mindset.

I think it all depends on [00:45:00] how we approach what's thrown at us. You know, some people can say I was. Perpetually born, unlucky. And the same person could say, no, no. I, I, you know, I was lucky not to get this job because if I didn't get this job, then I wouldn't have had this job. You know? So I, I think perspective is incredibly key to, yeah, maintaining a, a, a sober life, a, a road of recovery, a joyous life.

Um, what brings you joy these days? 

Brandi: What brings me joy these days? 

Poncho: Oh my 

Brandi: goodness. 

Poncho: What brings me joy? What are you gonna do later today that's gonna make you smile? 

Brandi: Oh, definitely go get my youngest daughter. Probably gonna go see my oldest daughter who's, you know, upstairs right now. I'm gonna go hang out with my kids today, talk to my mentors some more.

She'll probably make me laugh like. Is connection. Yeah. Now that I'm, now that I'm saying it is connection and, and connection brings me joy, 

Poncho: and I want you to [00:46:00] think, and I want you to reflect on what you just told me in terms of your answer, because when you weren't sober, none of this would've brought you joy.

None of this would've been a priority in your world, would it have been? 

Brandi: No, no, no. I would, I was always just trying. No, let's just be honest here. Always manipulating and using people to try and get them whether it was trying and get them to do things, be things, act a certain way so that I could feel a certain way about me.

Like, I need you to sit here, do this, be this, after this, give this, share this, show this so that I can feel okay. And now it's just, I just get to watch the, the people around me just be who they are and I'm like, you are just cool as shit. And I'm just so. Lucky. Like, I'm just so fricking lucky and thankful to be an addict, like truly most days.

Poncho: See, I love it. No, I, no, I love it. We're we're talking about attitude and mindset and, and I loved how you worded that. I'm lucky that I'm an addict, otherwise, I wouldn't be living the happy, joyous life that I am today. 

Brandi: Mm. No, I wouldn't [00:47:00] have the opportunity to come with being an addict. 

Poncho: Right. You know, I while to think that, I mean, your, your story really reminds us that, you know, that recovery isn't a straight line.

You know? Mm-hmm. And, and it, and it's not easy because if it was, again, we'd all be, no, we'd all be living the, the perfect life. I can't stress enough for making time for us again. And, and, and for being and for being so open and, and for being so, so vulnerable because that, that takes, that takes courage, you know?

Yeah. Thank you so much. That takes resilience. No, I, I mean, you know, and, and you mentioned, and we've talked about this. Most recently connection and mm-hmm. Connection does everything, doesn't it? 

Brandi: Yeah. Yeah. We need connection. I mean, and I think I understand it more than ever, you know, the connection is the opposite of addiction.

It's cliche, but I'm telling you like these things, these things are around for a reason. And when you actually start to embody these things. It [00:48:00] just starts getting good. Life gets good when they start clicking and, 

Poncho: and you know what, and you were living proof of this. You are. Yeah. You don't even need to hear, you don't even need to hear these words.

All we have to do is, is, is look at your smile right now and people can know how joy, how full of joy, how happy you are, how much life is in you right now. 

Brandi: Yeah. Yeah. And I had a really horrendous life. Like, I mean, statistically I shouldn't be sitting here, you know, joyous and, and just okay with life.

Right? And I shouldn't statistically, but I am. Like I am, I'm here. Yeah. 

Poncho: Now, now I'm all getting worked up here. Brandy, uh, again, I I wanted to thank you so much for, uh, for making time for us today. Absolute pleasure. And, uh, enjoy, uh, enjoy the rest of your day with, uh, your daughters and your, uh, newfound life.

And, um, yeah. You know, all the best and, uh, I look forward towards speaking with you down the road. Brandy, [00:49:00] thank you so much. Awesome. Thank you so much, poncho. I really appreciate it. Have a blessed rest of your day. Peace 

Announcer: From Darkness to Life is an our collective journey podcast. These are the true stories of struggles and triumphs against addiction and mental health challenges.

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