From Darkness to Life | S07E02 | Alison FULL TRANSCRIPT Lightly edited transcript prepared with local speech recognition and text review. Some fillers and repeated words have been removed; this is not a strict verbatim transcript. Speaker labels are based on conversational context, and brief overlapping responses may be imperfect. Timestamps mark approximate speech starts in the finished MP3. Last names are omitted as requested. Unclear wording is marked in brackets. [00:00] Alison You've got to figure this out because I can't do this. And I know now he was scared, you know, but for me personally, that was it. I couldn't, I couldn't go on living how we were living in that, in that moment. [00:15] Announcer From Darkness to Life contains the real stories of individuals who found their way out of the darkness caused by mental health challenges and substance abuse. If these stories resonate with you and you or someone you love need help and don't know where to turn, Our Collective Journey is here for you. Please reach out when you're ready to ourcollectivejourney.ca or on Facebook at Our Collective Journey. [00:37] Poncho I'm really, I'm really looking forward towards today's guest because we're going to talk about something that I haven't had the opportunity to talk about too often. So welcome to another episode from Darkness to Life from the historic Monarch Theatre in downtown Medicine Hat. I am your host, Poncho. And today we're talking about a side of trauma that I guess often stays hidden, especially when it comes to stories of PTSD. We usually hear from the person carrying that diagnosis and we hear about their struggles and their treatment and their recovery. And every story like that has people standing beside it, partners, kids, family, spouses. And that's what we're going to focus on today. My guest today, Alison. [01:23] Poncho Hey, how are you? [01:24] Alison Hi, thank you for having me. [01:25] Poncho I'm great. On a scale of three to eleven. How are you feeling today with eleven being the best, three being the worst? [01:32] Alison I'm feeling pretty good, feeling like a good nine. [01:35] Poncho A good nine. [01:36] Alison Maybe once the, you know, the jitters roll away. [01:38] Poncho Yeah, yeah. Closer to. Yeah, it's good to it's good to feel that way. We were talking about that. It's good to be anxious, a little excited because it means you have a story to share and anxiety and anxiousness usually means there's some real emotion behind that. So we're going to get into it and we're going to start by talking about a little bit of your past and your present. So you're married to a former city police officer. And he spent years battling PTSD, physical injuries sustained throughout his career. So we're going to hear about that, but we're going to hear about how it's affected you. And so when Alison, when you entered this relationship, you had no idea, not a clue of how this would affect your life, your husband's life, your family's life and your own mental well-being. [02:35] Alison That's right. [02:36] Poncho You know, and so we're going to talk about that and how you navigated past your own trauma and wondering whether you could carry the weight of it all. [02:45] Alison Yes. [02:46] Poncho You know, and we're going to talk about the moments of where you nearly walked away, if that's OK with you. All right. And then we're going to get into the good. We're going to get into the light from the darkness, you know, because after years of setbacks and treatment and a lot of work. You found peace. [03:05] Alison That's right. [03:06] Poncho All right. You found happiness. So thank you for having the courage to share your story. [03:12] Alison Thank you. [03:12] Poncho When you hear the words PTSD and you hear the words first responder, they often focus on the person that has the PTSD. So what was so what do you wish people understood about what it's like to be the spouse of someone that has to live with that? [03:31] Alison I think, first of all, it is important to know that, just as you said earlier, everyone that carries this with them, they do have somebody beside them. And it is extremely hard sometimes. Well, a lot of the time to live with that person, to be with that person, because that person, as the partner or the friend, you see the struggles that person is going through. And it's really hard when other people around you that you are with don't understand that you don't have to live with that. Don't see it the day to day, what you go through and what your kids go through and trying to shield that. [04:20] Poncho And when you first met your partner, Ty, is that right? [04:24] Alison Yeah. [04:25] Poncho So when you first met Ty, like any relationship, there's a honeymoon phase, a very exciting kind of phase, right? A new phase. Did you have any idea what he was carrying under underneath the surface? [04:37] Alison Not a clue. No, he was very, when we got together, he was very happy, very doting, he went to work. And, of course, his job was not easy. He was in, I believe, [unit name unclear]. So he dealt, he was in the office at this point in his career. And he would be working with people, women in particular, going to the women's shelter, protecting families, kids. [05:13] Poncho And this is still when he was a police officer? [05:15] Alison Yes. Yeah. [05:16] Alison So he had a very serious, intense job and like, mentally serious. And I honestly, like he would come home, he would talk about his day. I would talk about mine and just we went about our lives. It was nothing. [05:36] Poncho So when did you realize that this was more than just a stressful day or a bad day? Because that's what, PTSD runs a lot deeper than just having an off day. [05:47] Alison Yep. There was an incident at work that happened with him and it was almost just this, it was a trigger for him and it just sent him spiraling. He left work, he came home and actually that was, he never went back after that day. [06:06] Poncho What was your reaction when he came home that day? [06:08] Alison For me, I was at work. He called me at the time I was working. I'm an educational assistant and I was working obviously at school and he had called me and he was just so upset. And my job, my role was to just be there for him, talk it through, try and figure out what exactly happened, what I could do to help calm him down. [06:34] Poncho And did you know he had PTSD at this point? Did he know that he had PTSD at this point? [06:38] Alison I, you know, I think so. But in fairness to him, there was never a diagnosis. He knew, he knew that he had so much trauma, physical and mental, emotional throughout his whole life. But there was never an actual diagnosis. [06:59] Poncho So he calls you at work? [07:00] Alison Yep. He called me at work and... [07:02] Poncho Called you at your work. [07:03] Alison He's at home. He's at home. [07:04] Poncho What does his voice sound like? [07:05] Alison He's just, he's so, it's kind of hard to explain because it wasn't just anger. You could hear the bouts of anger in it, but it was just... [07:17] Poncho Were his thoughts making sense? [07:19] Alison Not to me. He basically was just like, I can't do this anymore. I can't do it. I don't know what to do. And I think he just also felt so let down by what happened. He was throwing things in the garbage. It was just like, it was a switch. [07:39] Poncho You were the first person he called? [07:40] Alison Yes. [07:41] Poncho How long had you been together at this point? [07:44] Alison We, so we got together in December of 2017, and this happened in, I honestly don't know, obviously an exact date, but it would have been around May of 2022. [07:56] Poncho Oh, so you had been with him for a while. And at this point of the relationship you've experienced, you've each experienced each other's ups and downs. [08:05] Alison Yep. And I mean, before this, prior to this, there was of course, things that happened at work that he would get upset about and stuff. But this was what I like to say, quote-unquote, was normal. [08:13] Poncho This was, this was the breaking point. [08:15] Alison Yeah. This, what happened that day was, was the breaking point. [08:18] Poncho So when he's telling you this on the phone, what's, what's your reaction? How are you, how are you feeling? Are you thinking this is another bad day? This is a lot worse than anything I've heard before. [08:26] Alison This one, this one, I knew it scared me just by the sound of his voice, what he was, how he was talking. I of course started to, in my own mind, panic a little bit going, okay, I got to go home to this. How am I going to talk him off the ledge that he's on right now? He, he had me worried that day for sure. But I didn't at the time, obviously know the scope of it until this was just the start of what was going to get really, really, really bad. [09:02] Poncho So what was, so what was daily, what was your daily life like during these really hard times before Ty started seeking help? And before you started seeking help to help him, your family and yourself? [09:15] Alison Yeah, it was, it was dark. It was dark for me, because he was in such a horrible state of mind. He was so angry and. [09:30] Poncho At what everybody at the world. [09:33] Alison At work, at work, mostly at the people at work. I think he felt very betrayed. And then I like knowing now, what I didn't know then is I, looking back, I can see how previous traumas were probably just flooding in to him at that time to make it that much worse. [09:57] Poncho But at the time you didn't know that neither did he. [09:59] Alison No, and so it was, it was a very hard time because I would, I of course had to go to work. Our kids, like the boys were small, they were young and, I had to be good, happy for them. [10:14] Poncho And, and for your husband. [10:16] Alison And for my husband. [10:18] Poncho So during these dark moments, what kind of, not to take away from what Ty is going through, what kind of help was he around the house? Because now you have to manage a household, your feelings, his feelings, everything. [10:32] Alison Yeah. And I know for Ty at the time, like the boys were in ball, baseball and whatnot. So, I mean, he would still go and do that, but he wasn't himself. He, it, Ty was, you could tell there was this heavy, heavy weight on his shoulders. And he just, grumpy isn't even the right word for it, but he wasn't pleasant to be around. The boys felt like they were getting in trouble a lot, which they probably were. [11:06] Poncho Right. [11:06] Alison They were young boys. [11:07] Poncho But that's even harder to be around when you're not well. [11:12] Alison Yeah. And yeah, I just, I had to, I felt, I felt like I had to just put out all these fires. [11:20] Poncho So, and so what did you do? Did you support him? Did you talk with him at this point? Did you point out that he's not being himself? How do you start to have those conversations? [11:28] Alison Well, Ty is very good, with, he had already been seeing somebody. He was always very good with that. He made the time for himself to go see his psychologist. [11:43] Poncho All right. So he knows at this point, he knows he needs to get treatment help of some sort. [11:48] Alison And so who he had been seeing prior, he went to it right away. So he had talked to her, gone and see her, but there was just that, I don't know if I'm going to go back to work. I don't know what I can do. I don't know what I can handle. And that was kind of what was happening for the first few, I don't even, it was happening for a while. And for me, of course, I'm just scared. I was scared of what our future would look like. If he went off work, what did that mean for us? What was that going to look like? [12:24] Poncho And you said this went on for a while. So are we talking days, weeks, months? [12:29] Alison It went on for a few weeks. [12:31] Poncho And you're, and you're constantly focused on, on his struggles. So what happened to your own needs? [12:38] Alison Those just get put aside because I was so stressed out and worried about what was going on with Ty and what that was going to look like for us. And then on top of that, taking care of the boys, I just went to work, took care of them, came home. He like, Ty wasn't just, I can say he wasn't just, sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing. He did try to help out around the house. But of course, when you're in this mental state where you don't know which path, where your life is going, what path you're going down next, he wasn't present. [13:20] Poncho And how does that, how did that make you feel? [13:23] Alison Oh, very, very scared and alone. And at the time I didn't have anyone that I could talk to that could understand it. I didn't know anybody whose husband or wife was going through this or had gone through this situation. [13:42] Poncho And this is a, this is an everyday experience. [13:45] Alison Yes. [13:45] Poncho You're, you're putting up with bad moods and unpredictable emotions. [13:50] Alison Yeah. [13:50] Poncho How long does this go on? [13:51] Alison It went on for a little while. It, I'm trying to remember exactly, but it definitely went on for a few weeks. [14:06] Poncho Did you ever try to share how you felt with Ty? [14:10] Alison You know, I did try a little bit. Honestly, I didn't want to, I felt like I couldn't really burden him with that when. [14:19] Poncho He was already dealing with so much. [14:21] Alison With that. [14:22] Poncho So that even adds. [14:24] Alison Yep. [14:25] Poncho So then how do you end up coping? [14:28] Alison For myself, I know that I honestly, it got a little dark there because I know that I sort of started to shut down with him. It was almost like, okay, go home, do what you gotta do, go to work, take care of the kids. [14:47] Poncho So almost feelings of indifference. [14:48] Alison Yep. [14:49] Poncho Because when you get feelings of indifference, you almost stop caring and that's when things become really scary. [14:54] Alison Yes. [14:54] Poncho Because you know, you love this man and you find yourself not caring anymore. [14:58] Alison Yep. Yep. And there definitely was a period where I felt like that. And that went on for a while and we, we went together to talk to his psychologist a couple of times, which honestly I can remember feeling like what in my, in my own mind, what's the point? Why am I, you know, I was almost like I didn't want to, I was also fighting it. [15:23] Poncho Whose idea was it to go? [15:25] Alison Ties. [15:25] Poncho Ties, right for, and for his sake, for your sake, for both of your sakes? [15:30] Alison I think for both of us, I think he wanted me to go so that I think he thought that if I heard what she had to say, that I would understand what he was going through a little bit better. Which is true. There was times when I just was like, I, it was, I felt like it was so much on my plate that I didn't want it. [15:48] Poncho Well, and there was, you know, and there was a, there was a time when you said that you almost left the relationship. [15:53] Alison Yeah. Yeah. [15:55] Poncho Can we talk about that? [15:57] Alison Yeah. I had gotten to a point, he was just so almost miserable is a word I would use. He just was, he was not himself. He was so hard to be around. He was numb to feelings, to people, to emotion. And it's really hard to communicate with somebody who's like that. [16:19] Poncho Who's unresponsive, who's shutting down. [16:23] Alison And he was just, the kids I know at that time were just a lot for him, which was hard for me because those are still my kids and I need to take care of them and they need to be around somebody who is positive and loving and helpful. And Ty is all those things now. [16:42] Poncho Sure. [16:43] Alison But at the time it was so hard. So yeah, he, Ty had done, a lot of, he had done a lot of therapy. I will say this for him. He's done the work. And at the time he had done a lot of therapy and in that therapy, he had talked about doing, like ketamine treatments to help, like this was the point we were at and he kind of hummed and hawed and I'd gone with him to talk about these with his, psychologists so that I would understand kind of what. [17:14] Poncho And did you feel you were benefiting by, by going to these meetings with Ty at the time? [17:19] Alison At the time, like when I would go at the beginning, no, but then by the end of it, I did feel better. [17:26] Poncho And how close were you to walking away? [17:30] Alison Well, right before he did the ketamine, there was a serious, I told, so this was when I told him because he was humming and hawing about doing it. And I just, I told him, I can remember exactly where we were. He was sitting on the couch, he was scheduled to go do the treatment. And I just said, you've got to figure this out. Cause he was going to cancel it. And I said, you've got to figure this out because I can't do this. It wasn't fair to me and it wasn't fair to the kids. [17:56] Poncho And is this something that you had been planning to talk about or was it just kind of all blurted out all at once? [18:01] Alison This just kind of came out. [18:02] Poncho This was your breaking point. [18:03] Alison Yep. Because he just, he, and I know now he was scared, you know, it's the unknown and whatnot. So that's why he was going back and forth with it. But for me personally, that was it. I couldn't, I couldn't go on living how we were living in that, in that moment. It was, that was it. [18:24] Poncho What, what year in your relationship was this, Alison? [18:28] Alison I believe that he started ketamine and it, I'm trying to remember if it was late 2022 or early 2023. [18:40] Poncho Okay. And you were, so you'd been to, you had gotten together in 2017 and in 2022, so May of ’22, that's when things got really, really, really dark. And that continued for the rest of the year. [18:51] Alison Yep. [18:51] Poncho Like, really bad to the point of where you just blurted out going, I don't know if I can take this anymore. How much did that? So when you said that, how did that make you feel? Were you hurt? Were you relieved? [19:04] Alison I was relieved. I was relieved because I said it and it was out there and looking back, it was probably not exactly, I didn't handle it the best because I was planning on going out with some friends from work that night and I said it and then I went out with friends from work. So I left him there in that to decide what he wanted to do. So whether that, I mean, it turned out well, but whether at the time I should have done that, I don't know looking back if I could have handled it a little bit better. But, for me personally, I know that was the moment that I needed to say that. [19:44] Poncho And because this is not what you had signed up for. This is, this is not the relationship that you wanted. Did that make you feel guilty at all? [19:50] Alison A little bit. Yep, I did. I, of course I've had guilt off and on the whole time. Knowing. [19:58] Poncho About what guilt, guilt about what? [20:00] Alison Well, just, there's times where I've felt guilty for feeling, knowing that he feels a certain way or that he's going through something so severe and crippling and I'm feeling, alone, left out, lost in my own right. Because again, like I said earlier, I have no one to talk to about it other than my own therapist. [20:29] Poncho And did you ever think that you felt because of what he's going through that your feelings didn't matter as much? [20:34] Alison Yes, absolutely. I felt that many times and I've told him, I had told him that I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel bad because what I was going through was not as bad as what he was going through. [20:47] Poncho And you felt that alienated your relationship for a while between the both of you? [20:51] Alison Yes. [20:51] Poncho Do you think there was some resentment there for a while as well? [20:54] Alison A little bit. [20:56] Poncho That's, that's hard to get through. [20:58] Alison Yep. [20:58] Poncho But you guys did get through it and we're going to get to that part of the story. We will get to that part of the story. As a mother, how difficult was it trying to look after yourself as, as a person, as Alison, support your husband at the same time, protecting your kids from what's going on? How do you juggle something like that? [21:19] Alison It was very hard, especially because the boys were young and didn't understand why Ty wasn't going to work anymore. [21:28] Poncho And how young? [21:33] Alison Ryder would have been, we have to do a little math here. He would have been around six and Liam nine. And so, yeah, Ty didn't want them knowing, obviously. And that's a lot of, that's a lot of heavy stuff for little boys, but. [21:52] Poncho For anyone, regardless of [unclear], that's a lot of stuff for anyone to understand and comprehend. [21:57] Alison And so it was just like, why isn't Ty going to work? And why is Ty always seem so mad? Why can't we do this? Like, I know, and with my oldest, their relationships are really great now. They really are. Ty's an amazing dad. [22:18] Poncho Yeah. [22:19] Alison At the time, my oldest one, he's very indecisive and he could be extremely stubborn and Ty and he, they got into it a little bit. [22:32] Poncho But that's honest conversation, though. That's real conversation. [22:36] Alison And so back then it was hard because Ty just didn't have the patience for it anymore. He didn't, he, my kids were frustrating for him to deal with before he got help. And so, yeah, it was really, it was a struggle for me. It was really hard. [22:55] Poncho Yeah. How do you love your husband, love your kids and still try to not lose yourself in the mix? And did you find that all of that. [23:03] Alison That's exactly, that's, that's what was happening? Yep. [23:06] Poncho No, because you had come from, you had come from a previous marriage that was incredibly, incredibly difficult as well. [23:13] Alison Yes. [23:14] Poncho And so when you saw your current relationship, taking this dark tunnel, how did that make you feel? You're like, here we go again. [23:23] Alison Yep. I honestly, at the time, I remember thinking, I can't believe this is happening. I felt very sad for myself. If I'm being honest, cause I was like, all I wanted was to find somebody to go through life with, and then this happened and I just, cause my previous relationship was, was not great at all. Clearly that's why it ended and it wasn't good for my kid. They no longer have a relationship with him at all. [24:00] Poncho So when you and Ty are going through this, do you feel that some of these old wounds from your previous relationship are getting opened up again? [24:07] Alison Yep, absolutely. And I know that even with that, because I had dealt with so much from my previous relationship, I'd, I'd gone to my own psychologist for it, but I was still going through it. We were going to court still and everything right up until a couple of years ago. So there was that because that stressed Ty out as well. He couldn't stand my ex-husband and that just would set him off the boys having to go there cause they would have to go to Saskatchewan once a month. And so he hated that and that caused turmoil. It was just, everything seemed to just fall on me. [24:53] Alison And it was all negative. [24:55] Poncho So, so let me ask you this then how, how do you support Alison when everybody, when you're supporting everybody else, who, who is, who is supporting you when you're supporting your family? [25:11] Alison Well, honestly, I would talk to my psychologist, but not as much as I should have, but I would, and then. [25:21] Poncho And were you talking to a psychologist through the entire time, even when you met Ty, so did you have a support system in place? [25:29] Alison When I met Ty, I wasn't seeing anyone. I had seen someone back home, because I moved here to be with Ty. But at home I was seeing someone, it had been, it hadn't been for a little while. And then I didn't start seeing someone until all this stuff started happening with Ty again. And that was when, and then I found my own psychologist, cause I feel you need your own. [25:56] Poncho And, and did, is that also when you realize that you need to do some healing of your own? [26:01] Alison Yep. Yes. [26:03] Poncho Cause I guess human beings, we all carry things. We all have situations happen to us. We all have trauma. Some of it's mild cause some people don't have the heavy load that other people carry. [26:14] Alison I just know that throughout my own life I had enough happen and I knew that it was important for me to see somebody for myself. And I'm, I mean, I'm glad I did because she was amazing. And helped me a lot. [26:30] Poncho Then the night you went out with the girls and the night you told Ty, said, Hey, look, you gotta come to a decision. Obviously you guys, you know, made a positive decision because here we are today and you guys are, are still together. So, what happened when you came home that night, did he have an answer? When did you decide, when did you guys decide that you were going to work through this together? [26:47] Alison So I went out and he had gone to do the first treatment that night. I wasn't there and that's a regret that I have, obviously, that I wasn't there when he came home, his first treatment. But he went, he did it and then. [27:04] Poncho And so when he did that, you said, okay, I'm going to stick around. [27:07] Alison Yep. [27:07] Poncho Cause this guy, you know, he's serious about changing. [27:10] Alison Yep. Yes. And I always thought that he would be, because previous to this happening, he had gone to Wounded Warriors. He's always taken this very seriously. But of course there was that breaking point and, yeah, he decided for himself. Yes. So then I decided that I can be a yes too. [27:39] Poncho Right. [27:40] Alison Yeah. [27:41] Poncho And so what changes, what positive changes did you first start seeing in Ty when he started treatment and recovery? [27:48] Alison Yeah, it's, I mean, it's slow. It's obviously not an overnight thing and it's a lot of work for them. There's a lot of work that goes into this. It's especially like he started doing ketamine and, then it's therapy right after the next day. Just a lot he's, and he does really have to focus on himself at that point. And I, and, but there was that understanding of, okay, he's, he's in this, he's doing this for us, for himself, but for us. [28:20] Poncho Are you skeptical at all? Are like, is there a part of you that's waiting for things to fall apart again? [28:27] Alison Yeah, of course there is that little, that small voice, but I am definitely more of the glass half full. [28:35] Poncho Okay. So let's talk about, let's talk about the glass is half full that let's talk about some of those, those small victorious moments. What, what did some of those small victories look like to you in the family or through the eyes of, of Alison? How did you know when things were getting better? [28:49] Alison Because Ty, once he started doing his treatments, he would just have this little, he would start to smile a little bit again. [28:59] Poncho Something that you hadn't seen in a while. [29:01] Alison The way that he would talk to me, he probably wouldn't want me to say this, but he's an extremely affectionate man. And, that went away and when he started to feel better, those little moments came back. [29:18] Poncho And how did that make you feel? [29:20] Alison It made me feel so much better because I felt like my husband was slowly coming back to me and he will never be the same man that he was when we first met because of everything he's been through, but he's better than he was when we first met. [29:38] Poncho Well, mental health is always, always ongoing. [29:42] Alison Yeah. [29:42] Poncho You need to be forever present. Did the kids notice a change in Ty's attitude and mental health as well? Or did you notice a change in how he was treating the kids again? [29:55] Alison I think with the boys, it just more or less kind of went back to how it was before with them because he never tried to, it wasn't that he tried to hide anything, like he wouldn't, he didn't want to talk about what was going on with them obviously. But he never, how do I word this right? He is more of a jokester with them. [30:18] Poncho That's his way. That's his way of sharing. [30:20] Alison And it used to drive me crazy. [30:22] Poncho But that’s how you see it. [30:24] Alison I do see it much differently now because of what he went through. [30:27] Poncho Because of what you went through. [30:29] Alison Yeah. [30:29] Poncho Tell me this, what's something, what's something your family can do today that they couldn't do four or five years ago because of what you've, you've, you've been through, because I mean, what you went through was hard, but there was a lot of positives that come out at what positive things can you do with your family today that you wouldn't have been able to have done had Ty not gone through recovery, had you not done your own healing? [30:50] Alison Today now we can go out as a family. The boys, the boys can approach him. The boys go to him all the time. The boys, when he's gone, the boys miss him, tremendously. And they're like 15 and 11 now, soon to be 12. And for my 15 year old, he is, a very affectionate person. And so having that relationship now where we can go out and plan a holiday and do things and Ty can take them fishing. And there was no way that Ty would have taken them fishing when he was going to when he. [31:30] Poncho Oh, absolutely not that he wouldn't have space for that. It would be too much. [31:34] Alison And now the boys asked Ty, Hey, can we do this? [31:37] Poncho And is your life happier? Is your life easier? [31:40] Alison Yeah. Yep. I mean, there's always moments. [31:43] Poncho But let's talk about that because even, even today, it's not like there's a cure for PTSD, right? I mean, there, there's still limits knowing what, you know, how do you navigate through those realities without, without, I guess going back to the place that you were before, what, you know, what skills have you learned? [32:02] Alison I've learned not to react as much as I used to. I know when Ty would get really upset about something, my instant, I'm very good at putting up a front and a wall and I get very defensive very quickly. And I think that's something that I just learned to do my whole life and with my previous relationship and whatnot. [32:23] Poncho It helps protect your feelings. [32:24] Alison Yep. And I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to end up how I was previously. So, I've now learned for myself that if something does happen and it does, there's, there are triggers, there's things that are still going to upset Ty from time to time, but I've learned to not react instantly and to not get so defensive instantly. It's like, okay, if he comes to me upset about something, I'll let him get it out. And then I just will either be like, okay. [32:59] Poncho So how are you, how you react is incredibly important. [33:03] Alison Yes, absolutely. I feel because the other part of this is when we were going through everything, you have to deal with WCB, which is a beast on itself. It's a beast of, it's so hard there. It's hard to be happy, present everything when you have this other stuff going on and threatening to take away your security, and whatnot. And WCB was always such a trigger, the phone calls when he'd have to have a phone call with them, knowing that he'd have a phone call with them coming up, he would instantly just get so worked up. And I've. [33:49] Poncho And how would you react to that? [33:50] Alison I, well, for me, I would just be like, okay, well just to have the conversation, don't like, let's not worry about it. Let's see, maybe it's not going to be that bad. And then I'd get a message saying how bad it was. And so now if something like that happens, I let him get it all out. And then I personally try to just remind him, okay, this is what we're going to do, or this is what, you know, try to be positive about it more so. [34:19] Poncho Yeah, you said your family, you know, and you're, and you're still continuing to find peace within your family. [34:26] Alison Yes. [34:26] Poncho So what does peace look like to you? [34:30] Alison Just being able to be present. [34:33] Poncho Yeah. And it's easier said than done being present. [34:37] Alison So much easier said than done. [34:39] Poncho Especially when you're going through tough times. Cause it's so easy to go, well, you said this and you did this and that was, you. [34:45] Alison And I'm like, for me personally, I'm at a place now where I'm prioritizing how I feel and taking in, like, if you've had, if you have kids, you know how fast they grow, like even now for me, my kids are young, you know, and, but like, it's going by so fast. And for me, it's important to be there with them, watching them. [35:20] Poncho And so do you think the Alison from four years ago that version, do you think that she would ever believe how you feel the way you feel today in terms of how positive you are today? I mean, I mean, there was such negativity and such bad things going on for years. Did you, did you ever see, did you ever think that you'd see light again? [35:41] Alison In that moment, honestly, no, I was so scared. I thought that this was how it was going to be. I remember going to my mom. I'm very close with my parents. I'm very fortunate for that. I remember going to my mother and just saying like, I don't know how I'm going to do this. What am I going to do? I feel like I'm going through this turmoil again. So if somebody would have come up to me and been like, you know what, in this many years, you're going to be, you're going to be happy again. I don't know if I would have honestly, but I am. [36:20] Poncho What's, what are you most proud of when you look at your family today? [36:24] Alison I'm proud that we stuck it. We stuck together. I'm proud that we stayed there for each other. I'm proud that I didn't give up because it would have been really easy to, again, knowing what I'd already been through. [36:42] Poncho That's always the easy way. I mean, you know, and we talk about this often here From Darkness to Life. If, if things were easy, we'd all be happy. You know what I mean? There's a lot of challenges and you have to do the work and you've obviously done the work and your family's done the work. [36:55] Alison Yep. And I'm obviously extremely proud of Ty, for everything that he has done for himself and for our family. I'm lucky because I've found my people, I guess you could say that I can go to. I have a few really good friends, one of which is Ty's really good friend who also suffers from PTSD. But I have somebody, I'm lucky. I have somebody that I can go to, okay, if Ty's having an off day or if some situation is happening and I just, I don't know what to do, I have someone that I can go to that helps me. [37:43] Poncho And would you say that's something that you are more proud of, of who you've become? What are you most proud of, of what you've accomplished over the last four years for yourself? [37:53] Alison I'm proud that I was able to overcome that feeling like I wasn't good enough and that I didn't deserve to be happy too because I know that I deserve to be happy. [38:09] Poncho I was going to say you've learned otherwise. [38:11] Alison Yeah, yeah. I know that I do. I know that my kids deserve to be happy. Yeah, I'm proud of that. I'm proud that I was able to figure that out. [38:24] Poncho I have one more question for you. And I asked this to all of our guests. What message of hope do you want listeners of today's podcast to hear? [38:32] Alison I want people to know that you're not alone. And I mean, that is such a, it can be taken as such a cliche. Like you hear that all the time, but it's so true because there are so many people going through this that don't have, there's not a huge support system for people going through this situation. Like there's a lot of people that suffer from PTSD. I know a lot of people now that suffer from PTSD. And there is not a lot of supports for the partners that are going through it. And I know just personal experience. I felt so alone in that, but I, if there, if I had known somebody sooner, then, you know, I maybe it wouldn't have taken so long or I, whatever, I can't go back. [39:26] Alison So I don't know what to say about that really, but I'm just grateful now. And yeah, I find knowing who my people are is super huge, super important. [39:39] Poncho And the fact that you took the courage to talk about this today, because of your honesty today, they know that they're not alone either. [39:46] Alison Nope. [39:46] Poncho You know, there's people out there right now, listening to your story and see themselves going, I've, I've experienced this, you know, so maybe they're supporting someone that they love. Maybe, you know, you know, maybe they don't know what to do, but because of you being here today, you know, that we realize that there is a path forward when, when things get dark, that there, that there is hope that there is help. So thank you so much for, for being a part of, from Darkness to Life. And there is always a path forward. So, and thank you for listening. [40:20] Alison Thank you. [40:20] Poncho We'll see you next time. [40:22] Announcer From Darkness to Life is an Our Collective Journey podcast. These are the true stories of struggles and triumphs against addiction and mental health challenges. If these stories resonate with you and you or someone you love need help and don't know where to turn, Our Collective Journey is here for you. Please consider supporting OCJ by visiting ourcollectivejourney.ca and clicking donate. All proceeds go to supporting the health and wellness of people in our community. Hosted by Poncho Parker. Produced by Carla Spampinato. Engineered, edited, and directed by Dave Cruickshank. From Darkness to Life is an Our Collective Journey exclusive. Thank you for listening.